[ he wishes he weren't saying that. it's a thought he's orbited since not long after waking here. the thought of choosing a side is ridiculous, but avoiding the reality is worse. and the situation was still different with only his life to squander, but with jyn here too, they have to be careful. and she is here too, fully present, in the pressure at his hand and the burn of her eyes on his face. she makes the situation more perilous, and a thousand times easier to bear.
(how many jobs did he do alone for the rebellion, without even kay? how used is he to taking on risk by himself, seeking a greater gain, no matter the cost? being here in kenos alone was no different, and different in every way from any one of those missions. his relief to have her here is a living thing.)
cassian knows all too well the danger of causes. he devoted his life to one, gave his life for it, carved off pieces of his soul piece by piece over the years to feed its flames. and that was the right choice, in its way, because the empire was evil and had to be stopped. because the rebellion was so fragile, and needed every capable set of hands it could get. he regrets the cruelties he's done, but can't deny the necessity. scarif had been the end of it.
scarif had been the end of it, and now they're here, and there's no telling what meridian or zenith might ask of him. what he might do, because he is fundamentally a creature with blood on his hands and a finely honed skillset that's suited to violence. at least he'd believed in the rebellion with all his heart.
he doesn't know what he feels when jyn speaks up with the beginnings of a plan. is it hope or despair? all he knows is that it feels sharp-edged when he considers it too closely. so he doesn't: he keeps his eyes on jyn, and he finally nods. ]
We take the next chance, and then the next. Until the chances are spent.
no subject
(how many jobs did he do alone for the rebellion, without even kay? how used is he to taking on risk by himself, seeking a greater gain, no matter the cost? being here in kenos alone was no different, and different in every way from any one of those missions. his relief to have her here is a living thing.)
cassian knows all too well the danger of causes. he devoted his life to one, gave his life for it, carved off pieces of his soul piece by piece over the years to feed its flames. and that was the right choice, in its way, because the empire was evil and had to be stopped. because the rebellion was so fragile, and needed every capable set of hands it could get. he regrets the cruelties he's done, but can't deny the necessity. scarif had been the end of it.
scarif had been the end of it, and now they're here, and there's no telling what meridian or zenith might ask of him. what he might do, because he is fundamentally a creature with blood on his hands and a finely honed skillset that's suited to violence. at least he'd believed in the rebellion with all his heart.
he doesn't know what he feels when jyn speaks up with the beginnings of a plan. is it hope or despair? all he knows is that it feels sharp-edged when he considers it too closely. so he doesn't: he keeps his eyes on jyn, and he finally nods. ]
We take the next chance, and then the next. Until the chances are spent.